Live at the Apollo 19×7

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Senhoras e senhores, por favor,

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dê as boas -vindas ao seu

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anfitrião
 for tonight, Tim Renkow!

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Aplausos
 Hello!

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Hello, Apollo!  Como estás
 esta noite?

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Crowd aplave
 Yeah.

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So, I had a weird one.

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Hoje eu estava esperando um ônibus, e essa

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velha veio até mim
 and she went, "Excuse

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me, sir, do you have
 Paralisia cerebral? "

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And I went, "Yeah, I do.
Cool. Você ganha o prêmio. "

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And she went like,
 "Meu irmão tinha isso.

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"He died from it."

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Então ela simplesmente parou de falar.

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That was the end of that story.

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A propósito, procurei.

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You cannot die from cerebral palsy.

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Então eu acho que ela matou seu irmão.

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But I didn't know that at the time.

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E eu passei o resto
do dia going, "Ah, shit.

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"Eu deveria estar morto agora."

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But I'm not dead.

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O que significa apenas uma coisa.

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I am a god.

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Sim. Passei o resto do dia thinking

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I was the Second Coming of Jesus...

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.. Tentando para andar sobre a água.

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Just... Maybe I'm not crippled.

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Talvez apenas a terra não seja meu forte.

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Yeah, it turns out
swimming não é meu forte.

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I have a friend who just

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moved onto a houseboat

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Porque ele falhou na vida.

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Right?  And he did the worst

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thing anyone's ever done to me.

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Ele me convidou ...

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..onto a boat.

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E eu disse: "Não. Eu
não vou on your boat."

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"Você entra na terra ..."

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"..with the rest of us
adultos em funcionamento. "

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And he went, "No, come
on... Meu barco é ótimo!

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"Come on my boat!" E eu
disse: "Não vou andar de barco.

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"The only use I am on the

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boat "is as the anchor."

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E ele disse: "Oh, você
tem medo of drowning.

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"Não se preocupe.
Eu tenho braçadeiras."

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You know what happens
when I wear braçadeiras?

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I still drown...

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.. mas minhas mãos ficam secas.

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Thank you.

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So, me and my wife,

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we go to Amsterdam a

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lot because of drugs.

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E esse é o único motivo
to go to Amsterdam.

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Eu amo ... eu amo a Holanda

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porque amo um país
that decided, "Look, guys.

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We could either

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legalize drogas "ou aprenda a cozinhar".

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You guys chose cooking,

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and that was a bad choice.

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