1 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,280 Senhoras e senhores, por favor, 2 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,160 dê as boas -vindas ao seu 3 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,680 anfitrião for tonight, Tim Renkow! 4 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:31,280 Aplausos Hello! 5 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,720 Hello, Apollo! Como estás esta noite? 6 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,960 Crowd aplave Yeah. 7 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,680 So, I had a weird one. 8 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,200 Hoje eu estava esperando um ônibus, e essa 9 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:56,240 velha veio até mim and she went, "Excuse 10 00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:01,840 me, sir, do you have Paralisia cerebral? " 11 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:06,440 And I went, "Yeah, I do. Cool. Você ganha o prêmio. " 12 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:13,680 And she went like, "Meu irmão tinha isso. 13 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,920 "He died from it." 14 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,120 Então ela simplesmente parou de falar. 15 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,480 That was the end of that story. 16 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,520 A propósito, procurei. 17 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,240 You cannot die from cerebral palsy. 18 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,200 Então eu acho que ela matou seu irmão. 19 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,560 But I didn't know that at the time. 20 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:47,640 E eu passei o resto do dia going, "Ah, shit. 21 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,840 "Eu deveria estar morto agora." 22 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,200 But I'm not dead. 23 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,520 O que significa apenas uma coisa. 24 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,840 I am a god. 25 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,120 Sim. Passei o resto do dia thinking 26 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,920 I was the Second Coming of Jesus... 27 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,000 .. Tentando para andar sobre a água. 28 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,920 Just... Maybe I'm not crippled. 29 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:14,680 Talvez apenas a terra não seja meu forte. 30 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:21,720 Yeah, it turns out swimming não é meu forte. 31 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,120 I have a friend who just 32 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:33,960 moved onto a houseboat 33 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,000 Porque ele falhou na vida. 34 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:43,200 Right? And he did the worst 35 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,800 thing anyone's ever done to me. 36 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,800 Ele me convidou ... 37 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,560 ..onto a boat. 38 00:02:55,720 --> 00:03:01,280 E eu disse: "Não. Eu não vou on your boat." 39 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,520 "Você entra na terra ..." 40 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:08,200 "..with the rest of us adultos em funcionamento. " 41 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:14,480 And he went, "No, come on... Meu barco é ótimo! 42 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,920 "Come on my boat!" E eu disse: "Não vou andar de barco. 43 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:22,040 "The only use I am on the 44 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,960 boat "is as the anchor." 45 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:33,720 E ele disse: "Oh, você tem medo of drowning. 46 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,600 "Não se preocupe. Eu tenho braçadeiras." 47 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:44,200 You know what happens when I wear braçadeiras? 48 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,920 I still drown... 49 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,480 .. mas minhas mãos ficam secas. 50 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,360 Thank you. 51 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:02,040 So, me and my wife, 52 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,320 we go to Amsterdam a 53 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,760 lot because of drugs. 54 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,520 E esse é o único motivo to go to Amsterdam. 55 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:16,600 Eu amo ... eu amo a Holanda 56 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,760 porque amo um país that decided, "Look, guys. 57 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:26,400 We could either 58 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,920 legalize drogas "ou aprenda a cozinhar". 59 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,560 You guys chose cooking, 60 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:42,400 and that was a bad choice. 61 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:49,920 Eu amo ... minha coisa favorita to do in Amsterdam 62 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:54,400 is to sit outside a coffee shop Com um spliff ... 63 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,480 CHEERING ..sando em ... 64 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,720 ..shouting at strangers, 65 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,880 "Eu estava bem antes disso!" 66 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,160 Some good shit, man. 67 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,920 Mas eu e minha esposa vamos para Amsterdã a lot. 68 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:25,400 And it's weird going to Amsterdam nos seus 30 69 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,520 anos porque quando você é jovem, you tell the truth. 70 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:35,280 Você está tipo, "Eu vou. I'm going to party. Vai ser divertido. " 71 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:41,200 Easy. But something happens Quando você bate em 32. 72 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:47,920 For no reason, you just start 73 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:52,240 feeling the need to lie to 74 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,240 yourself, and you just start going, "No. 75 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,960 "Eu quero ir para Amsterdã because of the museums. 76 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,600 "Eu realmente quero ver Van Gogh." 77 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,200 No, you don't! 78 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,400 Ninguém quer ver Van Gogh. 79 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,480 Van Gogh killed himself. 80 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:19,280 Nem van Gogh queria to see Van Gogh. 81 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,400 Eu e minha esposa vamos muito a Amsterdã, e 82 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:32,920 estamos começando a ficar sem lies to tell ourselves, right? 83 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:39,440 Então este ano, minha esposa disse: "Oh, honey, I know what we should do. 84 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,000 "Eu quero ver a casa de Anne Frank." 85 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:50,280 And I did not want to see A casa de Anne Frank 86 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:54,640 porque não acredito em misturar drogas e nazistas. 87 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,200 I've tried it... 88 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,160 ..e agora estou em uma cadeira de rodas. 89 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:13,400 Seriously, white supremacists hate me. 90 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,680 Tipo, eles realmente me odeiam. 91 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,480 Mas eles nunca sabem que raça eu sou, 92 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,640 então eu apenas sou chamado every racial slur. 93 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,760 Tipo, eu sou chamado spic when I'm in America. 94 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,920 Fui chamado de P-Word aqui. 95 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,520 I even got called the N-word once. 96 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,920 E eu estava tipo, "Do you want to try again?" 97 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,560 Sou um judeu mexicano aleijado. 98 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,600 I give you options... 99 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,960 ..e esse não é um deles ... 100 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,280 ..officer. 101 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,520 So, me and my wife are going para 102 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,480 Amsterdã, e ela quer ir to Anne Frank's house. 103 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,120 Eu realmente não quero ir to Anne Frank's house. 104 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,400 E nós entramos nisso, certo? And we get... 105 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:24,320 Mas eventualmente, comprometemos and we go. 106 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,560 Então chegamos lá e para aqueles of you that don't 107 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:38,840 know, Anne Frank lived in an attic, no terceiro andar. 108 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:43,680 We get there, and obviously, É inacessível. 109 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,720 And I'm like, "Oh, no! 110 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,440 "Oh, caramba! 111 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,000 "What are we ever going to do? 112 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,440 "Oh, bem. Vamos ficar chapados." 113 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:05,840 Well, my wife got genuinely upset, 114 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,440 E ela disse: "Não, isso é inaceitável. 115 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:16,400 "This is culture. This is history. Isso precisa estar acessível.
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